A few years ago, my daughter (then 7) declined an invitation to play at her friend’s house. A neighbor she had played with many, many times. In fact, they had just spent the day before together. I thought she was being moody, but she dug in her heels and refused to go. What I later found out was the friend had led a game of doctor the day before, complete with physical exams and my daughter as the patient. My daughter did not like it and I was proud of her for standing her ground and not returning the next day (although the true reason why didn’t come out until much later.) When I spoke to the mom about the incident she respected my daughter’s feelings but I got the sense that being naked was not such a big deal in their household. In fact, she confided that her younger son was often taking his clothes off in public places because he was so used to being naked at home. While my daughter was fine being naked in our home, she was less than pleased about nakedness at someone else’s home!
This got me thinking about how we may think we know our friends and neighbors well, but we really don’t know the intricacies of how they parent until we are faced with a real life situation....involving our own children.
Providing enough supervision to keep kids safe while also letting them have the chance to make mistakes and grow is one of our many jobs as parents. It’s not an easy one. Local nonprofit Kidpower offers some advice about setting up safe playdates for our kids, I’ve forwarded their recent newsletter below.
The fact of the matter is, your parenting style will never be exactly the same as your friends even your best friend. I was reminded of this just last week when my best friend visited with her three kids. While I refused to allow my kids to ride in their camper van because there were no seatbelts, she refused to let the group of kids out of sight at a small town street festival. We explained to the kids that different families have different rules. I worry about car accidents, she frets about stranger abduction. Hopefully the “It takes a village” mindset will help keep all of our kids safe, I think the advice below is a great start.
From Kidpower (www.kidpower.org)
When setting up playdates with kids who we think will enjoy spending time together, we usually think of logistics such as what time and which house. Assuming that other parents will have the same standards about safety and respect that we do because they are nice people and have great kids is normal. At Kidpower, we call these assumptions: "The Illusion of Safety," because they can lull us into believing that everything is fine until something suddenly goes wrong.
For each situation, make a realistic assessment of your child's ability to speak up or refuse if someone does something against your safety rules and to get help if anything makes them uncomfortable. Make sure that your child knows how to reach you or another adult caregiver at all times.
Have a frank conversation with the other parents about your expectations and, before
you accept responsibility for their child, insist that they do the same with you. These conversations might be uncomfortable but, as we teach in Kidpower, your children's safety is more important than anyone's discomfort.
Here are 8 questions to ask yourself and other parents as you are setting up a playdate in someone else's home:
1. What is and is NOT okay with you? Sometimes there can be an issue due to a difference in culture. For example, families with young children might have very different ideas about kids playing naked in the water on a hot day or seeing each other's private areas. Sometimes there may be a difference in values families have very different beliefs about teasing, for example, or what kinds of videos kids are allowed to watch. Sometimes there may be an issue due to a lack of understanding. For example, people who don't have allergies might have a hard time believing that one little bite of something your child is allergic to could cause a problem. Having a clear agreement about what is and is not okay ahead of time can prevent a great deal of unpleasantness.
2. Will my child spend any time around older children or other adults? Visiting children are sometimes harmed by their friend's older siblings, friends of those siblings, or neighbors who may tease them or who do something unsafe, such as locking them in the closet, taking them out of the yard without permission, or molesting them.
3. Will you be there and available the whole time? Some people think nothing of leaving their and your kids with someone else for "just a few minutes" while they go to the store and you want to know who is going to be in charge of your children.
4. Are there places you let children go without you with them? Kids going alone to the park down the street might seem normal to this family but you want to know and decide yourself if your child is ready to handle this kind of independence and be aware of the potential hazards.
5. Are there guns in your home? If so, what kinds of safeguards do you have so that children do not get hold of them? Too many tragic accidents have happened with kids playing with guns, so we want to be aware of this hazard.
6. Do you supervise all use of smart phones, computers and television so that you know what children are seeing? Letting kids go unsupervised with technology can be as dangerous as leaving them alone in any public area without adequate preparation.
7. Will you be taking the children anywhere? You want to know where your children are, who is with them, how they will get there, and what they are doing.
8. Is there a pool, hot tub or other water feature nearby? During summertime especially, many playdates involve playing in the pool, or even in cooler weather, sometimes a hot tub. Knowing if the children will be in or near a private or open body of water, and how they will be supervised around it, is important in order to avoid tragic accidents. Even children who are good swimmers can get injured or surprised and find themselves in trouble in the water and therefore need close supervision.
A parent's response to your questions will help you to make the decision about whether or not playdates with this family will be in the best interests of your child. Finally, check in with your child before and after each playdate to review the safety rules and find out what went well, what didn't, and how can you make things better.